Tomorrow is the 'morrow of a hundred 'morrows more. Anxiety. Explosiveness. Their growls, soft as a roars. Tomorrow is the 'morrow of a hundred 'morrows more. Injurious. Dispassionate. Their rages heretofore. Tomorrow is the 'morrow of a hundred 'morrows more. Consequences. Unintended? They’re impossible to ignore.
The threshing floor of latent thoughts, Potential not yet known. Mixing. Morphing. Fading. Fighting. As if they’ve just been sown. Golden in appearance, Undistilled, they wait their turn. Grinding. Groaning. Bubbling. Boiling. Careful. Gold can still yet burn.
The path of the just, Or the path of the deranged. You tie your mount to fantasies, Of life out on the range. Galloping through miracles, And messianic plains. It's hard to know which is you, Or who really holds the reins. Onward where the sun meets sky, Sandstorms oft pass through. Blessed are those... Continue Reading →
Part 1 of My Unlikely Teenage Diagnostician can be found here. I knew right away that she was not like other girls. The mischief started slowly. One day, a little tickle on my neck. I thoughtlessly ran my hand down my near shoulder-length hair and across my neck to rub the tingle away. Oh, the... Continue Reading →
Abby was the first one to diagnose me; a mid-‘90’s teenage hippie who left the scent of patchouli oil in her wake, leaving her oddly present even when she had long since past. Her long perfectly straight blonde hair reached far down her back and her floor-length flowing skirts and graceful even-paced movements made her... Continue Reading →
Let’s get one thing straight. A casual saunter is the wrong pace for making one’s way to a public bathroom. Has this happened to you? You’re at a highway rest stop, you’ve been driving for two hours, one and a half of which you’ve had to pee thanks to the ill-advised (but unquestionably necessary) ingestion... Continue Reading →
“Last name?” “Bornstein.” “Date of birth?” “Well, um, I’m picking up for several people.” “Sure. Which one first?” “Umm, me I guess. 5/13.” “James?” “Yes.” “Okay, it looks like you have two ready.” “Two? My doctor called in three. There should be a 10 mg and 20 mg escitalopram and a 50 mg trazadone. You... Continue Reading →
An evening scene: We’re both in bed. She is lying down with her head slightly elevated and appears quite comfortable. I, on the other hand, am partially reclined, propped up by a poorly constructed heap of pillows, and am not at all comfortable. But I am both tired of readjusting and unwilling to accept that... Continue Reading →
I never had the chance to see a space shuttle liftoff in person, but someone once told me it jumps off the launch pad like a bullet. On TV it always appeared a bit sluggish to me for the first few seconds, but in reality, just 30 seconds after liftoff it's already traveling 500 mph.... Continue Reading →
When I wear tefillin it makes imprints; imprints on my body and imprints on my heart and my mind. The leather straps, wrapped firmly around my arm and hand, when removed leave behind lines – a debossed circuitous path from my bicep to my fingers. These bodily imprints are real – easy to see and... Continue Reading →
Below is the speech I gave on June 8, 2019 following the service celebrating my daughter becoming Bat Mitzvah. Eliana. Soon after you were born, Ema and I started to notice…an…odor. We would bathe you, of course, but there was often this very sour smell. We couldn’t figure out why. Where was this funny smell... Continue Reading →
Chag Purim Sameach! Happy Purim! In celebration of Purim 5779/2019 here's a look at both this year's family costume and those from years past. I admit that while my wife, Carrie, LIVES for this day (and is the artistic director and master costume designer), I sometimes find this process exhausting. Still, I can't argue with... Continue Reading →
Allowance has become a big topic in our house recently. We’ve been spotty with it over the years. We start and then it fizzles out. The thing is, our kids tend to “earn” a decent amount of money on their birthdays and Chanukah from family members, so my wife and I have not been terribly... Continue Reading →
My youngest (age 5) and I had a no good very bad day yesterday. The kind of day when the adult actually has to apologize to the kid for being a little shit instead of the other way around. Or big shit I guess. Whatever. Today, though, we found some common ground. We went outside... Continue Reading →
Growing up in southern New Hampshire in the 80’s I distinctly remember thinking that I was the ultimate minority because I was short, Jewish and lefty. It’s laughable in retrospect, of course, because I was also white and middle class, but kids don’t operate with that type of perspective. Here are a few thoughts on... Continue Reading →
Okay, so yesterday I posted about my new idea to create parenting merit badges so that parents can proudly display their hard-earned parenting achievements, and maybe get a few encouraging pats on the back from their fellow parents in return. Funny right? I thought so. And apparently a lot of you did as well…but by... Continue Reading →
Parenting is a thankless job. You work your ass off, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, and you do it because you have to. You can be sick as a dog, have broken bones, a broken mind, an overly-demanding boss, a sick relative and a flat tire, and you’re... Continue Reading →
I’ve got a bone to pick with physics. It's 100% out to get me. Specifically, my problem is with the second law of thermodynamics, which has to do with this thing called entropy. Entropy measures the degree of disorder in a system and is, without question, the root of all evil in my life. Basically,... Continue Reading →
Eat better. Read more. Drink less. Daven more. Be cranky less. Exercise more. Buy less. Write more. Yell at my kids less. Play with my kids more. Watch TV less. Clean up around the house more. Procrastinate less. Learn more. Facebook less. Be happy more. Worry less. Play guitar more. Complain less. Yeah. I can... Continue Reading →
Every year I walk up a small hill near my uncle’s apartment in Jerusalem. On that hill is a tree growing along the edge of the sidewalk, and at the foot of that tree is a pile of broken glass; glass from a shattered windshield. For some reason I always notice this glass, and I... Continue Reading →
Okay, so I'm probably supposed to discourage potty humor. That's one of those rules of parenting, right? Teach decorum. Teach manners. Model appropriate language, behavior blah blah blah. Yes, and. Here's the thing. The cartoon above that my son made is hilarious! I can't not laugh at it. And you know what? I don't want... Continue Reading →
Yes, it’s my favorite time of year when I get to pull down my financial trousers and enjoy an electrifying economic endoscopy! From you, my dearest Third-party Financial Assessment Service, I will withhold nothing. Explore me. Examine me. Shine your light into the darkest crevices of my corpus and reveal that which even I have... Continue Reading →
I heard a fascinating piece on NPR recently about “generous exclusion,” a theory that pushes back against the tendency many of us have to be as inclusive as possible. The theory claims that sometimes excluding people is actually a benevolent act; that being overly inclusive is often an impediment to productivity and is, therefore, ultimately... Continue Reading →
I’m 15. Scott comes home from overnight camp – it’s the summer of 1993 – pops a cassette into the tape deck and says, “Listen to this.” Scott was my musical oracle; the one whose collection became the soundtrack of my teen years, played in the background throughout endless rounds of 500 Rummy and high... Continue Reading →
There is nothing more frustrating than a kid who will not eat dinner because they (allegedly) do not like the offerings. It's enough to make a parent go mad when it happens day in and day out. For this reason I humbly submit to you The Dinner Conundrum flowchart. It works like this: Obstinate Child:... Continue Reading →
(Originally published on August 6, 2017 on Mental Health Safe Space.) This fetus is kicking my ass. No, literally. She’s actually kicking my ass. There I was cuddling with my wife before bed, minding my own business (I was the small spoon, because duh) and Carrie’s ever-growing belly was pressed against my butt. All of a sudden... Continue Reading →
I would like to introduce a new mathematical symbol for infinity. Instead of ∞, I propose a picture of a pile of laundry. Laundry never ends. Ever. As long as filthy humans roam the earth and procreate to make exponentially filthier offspring, laundry will continue to accumulate in the corners of bedrooms, under beds and,... Continue Reading →
TMI. I would say that about one in five comments I get about my writing or Facebook posts involves this critique. Too. Much. Information. Sure, the critique is usually couched within a compliment, but it’s clear that a fair number of people, even if they are generally appreciative of my writing, feel that sometimes I’m... Continue Reading →
To the man in the New York City hotel lobby who walked past me and said, “Boo Red Sox! Boo!” I’m sorry that my hat brought impurity into your midst, but thank you for reminding me that sports are important, but less important than decency. To the man who came over to me immediately after... Continue Reading →
I think you can learn a lot about a person’s character from their vomiting routine, which is why I humbly submit to you my Myers-Briggs-like analysis of my children’s regurgitation practices. Child One: Introvert, Intuiting, Thinking, Judging (INTJ) This child always makes it to the toilet. Always. The kid is like an all-star running back... Continue Reading →
