It’s Financial Aid Season, Bitches!

Yes, it’s my favorite time of year when I get to pull down my financial trousers and enjoy an electrifying economic endoscopy!

From you, my dearest Third-party Financial Assessment Service, I will withhold nothing. Explore me. Examine me. Shine your light into the darkest crevices of my corpus and reveal that which even I have not discovered about myself!

Your probing, dear friend, is not just welcomed, it is satisfying in ways I have a hard time expressing in words. You see my future. You see my past. All is revealed before you and I smile. Every dollar I have spent, every dollar I have saved…it has all been for you and for you alone.

Do we drive new cars? No, of course not.

Do we have an impressive investment portfolio? Not at all!

Might you find a remodeled modern kitchen in my home? Don’t be silly.

You see! We are worthy. I know we are! I can feel your approving gaze shining upon me through the computer screen and I bask in its hopeful warmth.

Oh…I see you’ve found my retirement savings…Well, err, yes, actually we do have a bit saved in that department. No, wait! Please, don’t turn away! Just listen for a moment. My parents told me to. They scared me into it. It’s not my fault. I had no choice! It’s nothing. Really. It means nothing to me. I promise!

Oh dear. I fear I have insulted you; you for whom I pine. I am forlorn.

I will make it up to you. Yes. I will yet prove myself worthy.

Look, we have saved nothing for college! Isn’t that impressive! We have three kids, and the oldest is 11, but we have nothing saved! It’s wondrous, no? Truly a feather in our cap!

Still, I’m worried you are not satisfied. Thank you, though, for allowing me to say a few final words. In these final moments of the examination, I will earnestly plead my case to you. I will narratively relate vacations not taken, annual deficits endured, defective heating systems replaced. Surely these stories will please you and restore me to a place of honor and good standing in your eyes.

But if they do not, please know dear friend, that I will forever remain loyal to you. You giveth and you taketh away, but into your arms I humbly submit myself. Year in and year out you are there, and so too am I.

Please find me worthy, for this is the season the Financial Aid Committees have made. Let us rejoice and be glad!

Well, what do you think?

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