There Must Be Something More Than This: Phish and the Evolution of a Teenage Brain

I’m 15. Scott comes home from overnight camp – it’s the summer of 1993 – pops a cassette into the tape deck and says, “Listen to this.”  Scott was my musical oracle; the one whose collection became the soundtrack of my teen years, played in the background throughout endless rounds of 500 Rummy and high... Continue Reading →

Parenting Flowchart #1: The Dinner Conundrum

There is nothing more frustrating than a kid who will not eat dinner because they (allegedly) do not like the offerings. It's enough to make a parent go mad when it happens day in and day out. For this reason I humbly submit to you The Dinner Conundrum flowchart. It works like this: Obstinate Child:... Continue Reading →

This Fetus is Kicking My Ass

(Originally published on August 6, 2017 on Mental Health Safe Space.) This fetus is kicking my ass. No, literally. She’s actually kicking my ass. There I was cuddling with my wife before bed, minding my own business (I was the small spoon, because duh) and Carrie’s ever-growing belly was pressed against my butt. All of a sudden... Continue Reading →

Behold: A New Mathematical Symbol for Infinity and the Laundry Revolution!

I would like to introduce a new mathematical symbol for infinity. Instead of ∞, I propose a picture of a pile of laundry. Laundry never ends. Ever. As long as filthy humans roam the earth and procreate to make exponentially filthier offspring, laundry will continue to accumulate in the corners of bedrooms, under beds and,... Continue Reading →

TMI or NEI?

TMI. I would say that about one in five comments I get about my writing or Facebook posts involves this critique. Too. Much. Information. Sure, the critique is usually couched within a compliment, but it’s clear that a fair number of people, even if they are generally appreciative of my writing, feel that sometimes I’m... Continue Reading →

A Few Words of Gratitude, For Those I Know and Those I Don’t

To the man in the New York City hotel lobby who walked past me and said, “Boo Red Sox! Boo!” I’m sorry that my hat brought impurity into your midst, but thank you for reminding me that sports are important, but less important than decency. To the man who came over to me immediately after... Continue Reading →

Psychological Preferences in How Children Perceive the World Around Them and Make Decisions Based on How They Puke

I think you can learn a lot about a person’s character from their vomiting routine, which is why I humbly submit to you my Myers-Briggs-like analysis of my children’s regurgitation practices. Child One: Introvert, Intuiting, Thinking, Judging (INTJ) This child always makes it to the toilet. Always. The kid is like an all-star running back... Continue Reading →

Me + Fedora = Yes Please!

I’m nostalgic for the era when men wore fedoras. What a classy time it was! So, naturally, when Carrie and I were in Clearwater Beach, Florida at a Wings surf shop and I saw a straw vacation-style fedora, I had to get it. Because there is nothing cooler, nothing more classy, than being in a... Continue Reading →

A List of Sunday Solo-Dadccomplishments and the Related Repercussions Thereof

Stacked firewood :: Sore back and delusions of instantaneous bulging of biceps. Cleared leaves :: ibid. Made lunch for 3 kids :: Only 2 kids ate, because obviously. Breathed deeply. Dropped older kids at party :: Endured wrath of uninvited 5 year-old. Took 5 year-old to arcade :: Endured wrath of 5 year-old for withholding... Continue Reading →

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