Psychological Preferences in How Children Perceive the World Around Them and Make Decisions Based on How They Puke

I think you can learn a lot about a person’s character from their vomiting routine, which is why I humbly submit to you my Myers-Briggs-like analysis of my children’s regurgitation practices.

Child One: Introvert, Intuiting, Thinking, Judging (INTJ)

This child always makes it to the toilet. Always. The kid is like an all-star running back on the way to the end zone when needing to puke. Even in the middle of the night. Nothing stops this kid, whether alone or with a parent.

INTJ pukers exhibit control, a keen awareness of their bodily needs by intuiting what is about to happen, are quick thinkers who react immediately to uncomfortable stimuli and good judges of the time needed to arrive at the necessary receptacle for a clean relatively civilized expulsion.

Child Two: Extrovert, Sensing, Feeling, Perceiving (ESFP)

This child hardly pukes at all…unless in the car, and without warning. Years later I’m still not sure if the smell in my car is normal old-car smell or residual vomit odor. As a toddler, especially in the morning, this kid was basically like a heavily shaken bottle of champagne. You never knew when the seal might break followed by an eruption of innards. You just got in the car wearing a poncho and gas mask and hoped for the best.

ESFP pukers have zero control whatsoever of their body. They sense something is wrong but lack the ability to adequately react to stimuli in a timely or calculated manner in order to minimize mess. They readily soil themselves, feel completely ashamed and become paralyzed perceiving the discomfort of their situation rather than attempting to do anything about it.  

Child Three: Extrovert, Intuiting, Feeling, Judging (ENFJ)

This child does not vomit frequently, but when it happens, very little effort is expended to reach the bathroom. This kid, three times in one night, puked over the edge of the bed like a seasick sailor would over the side of a boat. Consequently, I learned how to use a carpet shampooing machine, which I admit was oddly satisfying to operate, but still an activity I could have comfortably gone to my grave not having experienced.

ENFJ pukers toe the line between the above two types. They intuit the impending explosion but due to their extroverted side, they are somewhat impulsive. As the feeling of illness builds, they become increasingly aware of the magnitude of the problem but it’s too late. Still, their judging side kicks in, and they realize something must be done. They make last minute course corrections, which are not ideal resolutions, but preferable to taking no action at all.  

What type of pukers are your children? Please comment below!

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