Tomorrow is the 'morrow of a hundred 'morrows more. Anxiety. Explosiveness. Their growls, soft as a roars. Tomorrow is the 'morrow of a hundred 'morrows more. Injurious. Dispassionate. Their rages heretofore. Tomorrow is the 'morrow of a hundred 'morrows more. Consequences. Unintended? They’re impossible to ignore.
To My Daughter on Becoming Bat Mitzvah
Below is the speech I gave on June 8, 2019 following the service celebrating my daughter becoming Bat Mitzvah. Eliana. Soon after you were born, Ema and I started to notice…an…odor. We would bathe you, of course, but there was often this very sour smell. We couldn’t figure out why. Where was this funny smell... Continue Reading →
Yeah, we take this Purim thing kinda seriously…
Chag Purim Sameach! Happy Purim! In celebration of Purim 5779/2019 here's a look at both this year's family costume and those from years past. I admit that while my wife, Carrie, LIVES for this day (and is the artistic director and master costume designer), I sometimes find this process exhausting. Still, I can't argue with... Continue Reading →
Introducing the Child Allowance Pay Stub!
Allowance has become a big topic in our house recently. We’ve been spotty with it over the years. We start and then it fizzles out. The thing is, our kids tend to “earn” a decent amount of money on their birthdays and Chanukah from family members, so my wife and I have not been terribly... Continue Reading →
Introducing the Parental Achievements Sash: Start Collecting Your Badges and Pins Today!
Parenting is a thankless job. You work your ass off, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, and you do it because you have to. You can be sick as a dog, have broken bones, a broken mind, an overly-demanding boss, a sick relative and a flat tire, and you’re... Continue Reading →
My Son Has Potty Humor And I Love It
Okay, so I'm probably supposed to discourage potty humor. That's one of those rules of parenting, right? Teach decorum. Teach manners. Model appropriate language, behavior blah blah blah. Yes, and. Here's the thing. The cartoon above that my son made is hilarious! I can't not laugh at it. And you know what? I don't want... Continue Reading →
Generous Exclusion & the Art of Family Management
I heard a fascinating piece on NPR recently about “generous exclusion,” a theory that pushes back against the tendency many of us have to be as inclusive as possible. The theory claims that sometimes excluding people is actually a benevolent act; that being overly inclusive is often an impediment to productivity and is, therefore, ultimately... Continue Reading →
Parenting Flowchart #1: The Dinner Conundrum
There is nothing more frustrating than a kid who will not eat dinner because they (allegedly) do not like the offerings. It's enough to make a parent go mad when it happens day in and day out. For this reason I humbly submit to you The Dinner Conundrum flowchart. It works like this: Obstinate Child:... Continue Reading →
Behold: A New Mathematical Symbol for Infinity and the Laundry Revolution!
I would like to introduce a new mathematical symbol for infinity. Instead of ∞, I propose a picture of a pile of laundry. Laundry never ends. Ever. As long as filthy humans roam the earth and procreate to make exponentially filthier offspring, laundry will continue to accumulate in the corners of bedrooms, under beds and,... Continue Reading →
Psychological Preferences in How Children Perceive the World Around Them and Make Decisions Based on How They Puke
I think you can learn a lot about a person’s character from their vomiting routine, which is why I humbly submit to you my Myers-Briggs-like analysis of my children’s regurgitation practices. Child One: Introvert, Intuiting, Thinking, Judging (INTJ) This child always makes it to the toilet. Always. The kid is like an all-star running back... Continue Reading →
A List of Sunday Solo-Dadccomplishments and the Related Repercussions Thereof
Stacked firewood :: Sore back and delusions of instantaneous bulging of biceps. Cleared leaves :: ibid. Made lunch for 3 kids :: Only 2 kids ate, because obviously. Breathed deeply. Dropped older kids at party :: Endured wrath of uninvited 5 year-old. Took 5 year-old to arcade :: Endured wrath of 5 year-old for withholding... Continue Reading →
Learning How to Listen from Those Who Cannot Hear
I took my three kids out last night for a bite to eat. Soon after we sat down four deaf couples came in, I'm guessing all 30-somethings, several of whom had small children. A number of things I saw were fascinating and beautiful, but two things in particular really stood out: One: It was remarkable... Continue Reading →
When the Shit Hits the TV
In 2007 I got shit lodged in my TV. Literally. Human feces. Inside the TV. Has that ever happened to you? No? I didn’t think so. Because shit does not belong inside TVs. Shit is for toilets and fans, or the woods if you are a bear. But inside consumer electronic devices, shit does not... Continue Reading →
Are Dads Upgradable?
My youngest son, age 5, casually inquired the other day if it's possible to get a different dad, specifically one who is not allergic to cats. Naturally, the response that first ran through my mind was, "Is it possible to get a different five year-old, specifically one who does not still shit his pants?" Thanks,... Continue Reading →